Sandra's Testimony

I am a believer who’s in recovery and I struggle with an addiction to anything that gives me instant gratification.  My name is Sandra.  I’m 51 years old.  I was raised in a home where very little love was displayed.  My father controlled.  As long as all outward appearances were in check all was well.  It didn’t seem to matter that I was an empty shell of a person.  I wanted a regular life so badly, however, I didn’t know how to accomplish that.  Each day I would vow to do something different but as the day progressed with typical life issues that I wasn’t equipped to deal with the feelings of inadequacy surfaced and I would inevitably make that phone call or I would be in the car, the auto-pilot would kick in and there I’d be, dope in hand looking for the nearest spot to find relief.  The next day would start off with the same thoughts, “I’m not going to use today, no matter what”, but the insanity continued.  I would wake up the guilt and the shame in the bed with me again and the cycle continued.  I was scared to stop and scared not to.  Even though it didn’t work as well as it had in the beginning I couldn’t stop, it’s all I had.  I didn’t have a relationship with God or myself or others.  I merely existed.  I had been exposed to the church, bible school and bible study but I didn’t apply the teachings to my life.  I just went through the motions until I became 15, the age to work then I didn’t have to go to church anymore.  That’s when the downhill spiral began.  My attitude towards others was “I got this.” I know what I’m doing and you can’t help.” It’s overwhelming to realize how willful, ungrateful and self-centered I was.  All I wanted from other people was sympathy and money.  If you couldn’t provide it I didn’t have time for you and if you wouldn’t provide it I’d take it.  I would go on binges that lasted up to 6 weeks at a time then suddenly I’d reappear as if I’d never been gone.  I didn’t consider how much pain and suffering and confusion I was inflicting on those that love me.  One of my lowest points was when I found out that my son was being taken away, custody was being given to his father and I still couldn’t stop what I was doing.  My life continued as a roller coaster ride for years which included drugs, alcohol, 3 marriages (once widowed, twice divorced), the deaths of 2 children, rape, cervical cancer, a few run-ins with the law and a complete state of hopelessness.  I finally ended up in jail.  This time there were no quick fixes, no slaps on the wrist.  I knew when I got here it was going to be for a long minute, just how long was yet to be determined.  I felt defeated and suicidal.  I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.  I shared with an inmate what my intentions were and was taken back when I was offered kind and loving words in addition to a Bible.  That’s where it began for me.  Not long after that moment I was on my knees asking God to “PLEASE HELP ME!”  This request was made from the heart and in the midst of many tears.  In order for me to recover I have to surrender my will to God and I must do this daily asking for His forgiveness, His guidance, His care and protection in all that I think, say and do.  Two of my favorite scriptures are Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your paths.”  This is what I turn to when presented with a situation.  A good example of this is when I was involved in a program that was designed to add structure and accountability to my life and it did.  I gave a lot to it and took a lot from it, however, in the process I lost the peace and serenity and joy that I had found walking with Jesus.  I struggled with what to do and only through prayer and meditation did I receive the answer.  If I was feeling overwhelmed by all that I was doing then I was probably doing more than God asked.  He also let me know that I was to pray carefully about the assignments I take on.  I left that program.  My inner peace and joy returned along with more opportunities for continued growth.  This journey called life and this process of recovery is all about progress not perfection and it’s one day at a time.  Matthew 6:34 tells us that “…God will take care of your tomorrow too.  Live one day at a time.”  That is so true.  I find that when I am dwelling on the past or stressing over the future I am unable to focus on what’s important now.  Something that is vital to recovery are the steps.  The biggest one so far has been STEP 1 where I admitted to myself to God and to others that I AM POWERLESS! And I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE!!!  Today I know that only with God is everything possible.  Once I took this step the work began on building relationships.  I started learning who God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are and how each work in my life.  I thank the Father for giving his only son to die for my sins, I thank His son, my Lord and Savior for following the commandments of His Father so perfectly that He was willing to be sacrificed and I thank the Holy Spirit for coming within me.  I am truly blessed by the unconditional love I receive and for His forgiveness.  I am grateful for the willingness and desire to do something different with my life.  I am still a “babe in the woods” in my spiritual journey.  I am learning who I am and understanding God’s purpose for me which is to love Him, love myself and love others all as he loves me.  I struggle with this regularly.  My relationship with my parents is the best its ever been.  They support me, encourage me, believe in me and love me and in return I love, honor and respect them.  My son is another story.  I have lied to him, stole from him and hurt him, therefore, our relationship today is non-existent.  I pray that he will receive me into his life again but I’ve turned it over to God who’s divine intervention will prevail.  I can see changes in how I interact with others.  I have more tolerance and acceptance.  I don’t always like what others do but I love them anyway.  I am striving to make my words and my actions match and I fall short regularly, however, my intentions are good and my willingness to get in line with God’s word remains.  Psalm 25:4-5 says “Show me your way O Lord; Teach me your paths.  Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; On you I wait all the day.”  When I first started this journey I was asking God for a variety of things and today I still ask but my prayers have changed.  I ask Him to show me the way but equally important I thank Him.  Deuteronomy 7:21 says “there is a great and awesome God among you.” He is and I want so much more than the momentary gratification of God’s blessings.  I seek a relationship that will be fulfilling both now and forever.  Without Celebrate Recovery and a mentor to guide me I would not have grown as quickly as I have.  I am blessed weekly to fellowship with women who are also recovering.  The focus is on our similarities rather than our differences.  I have discovered that I am worthy, that what I have to offer has value and could help someone.  I no longer have to hang my head in shame and guilt.  I am stronger in my beliefs some days more so than others but the bottom line is I do believe!  I have faith and I am learning to walk by that faith rather than by sight.  I have hope.  I do see light at the end of the tunnel today.  I am gaining insights about myself and what healthy boundaries are and how to lovingly and effectively enforce them.  I am learning how to apply principles that go against what has come naturally to me for the last 35 years.  For any newcomer I say HANG ON! THERE IS HOPE! One of my favorite hymns is “Amazing Grace” which says “it saved a wretch lie me.  I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.”  That touches my heart because that’s me.  I am excited about what God has in store for me and I am thankful when given the opportunity to share the Good News.  The world is a battlefield and today I am a recruiter for the Lord.  What are you doing for eternity?